I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words. I just got home from Bible Study. Its amazing to me how much I feel like I belong there sometimes. A lot of times, following God is hard for me. I meet so much resistance from the world that sometimes I think what I believe could just all be false. God could be made up. The Bible could be just a book of random, useless stories. But when I am at Bible Study or when I have the opportunity to talk to someone about God and about what He is doing in my life, there is nothing that I can do but believe. The feeling that I get when I give myself time to sit and think and to learn about God and what He has done for me and how much He has given so that I can sit here on my computer right now...is all the convincing I need. So...why...why will that feeling go away tomorrow? My guess is that I let it subside. I rarely do anything until Bible Study comes around that keeps that fire burning inside of me.
You would think that I would know that I do this by now. You would think that I would realize that I am going to do that tomorrow and that since I know what can prevent me from feeling so disconnected...I could prevent it. It would be nice if things were that easy, wouldn't it? I think the problem is that I personally feel like I meet so much resistance to being able to love God and believe in Him with my whole heart every day. Reflecting on just this makes me realize that this resistance is probably self-created. I meet resistance from people that don't believe in God. I meet it from people who love me and that don't believe. They seem to be having a great time...am I crazy for thinking that I need God to help me to have a great life? Scripture would tell me no...and my own experiences have shown me that my life with God is so much greater, less stressful, more joyful, and more fulfilling that my life without Him. Blah...I am so jumbled and apparently so are my thoughts. The resistance I feel is just me being scared and emotional...they don't tell me what I should or shouldn't believe. They love me for me and all of me...blah.
Lindsey challenged us tonight to pray that God would break us. haha...YAY! false. That's terrifying. We were studying Hosea tonight and in Hosea, there is an amazing picture of God stripping us of our sins so that he can LOVINGLY build us back up and have us know His love more in the process. I want to know Gods love more...I want to know that He has all that I need and that I do not need to pine for earthly things to fill me up. In Him, I can feel satisfied everyday...but everyday...I neglect Him and I turn right back to the things that I want so badly to control and that I want to force to make me happy. I realized tonight that those things that I've been turning to are not doing the trick.
Its scary to me to pray for brokenness because I truly feel so very broken right now. I am having a hard time with like...keeping my emotions even. One day I am annoyed with one person and another the next and then the next day everyone will be annoying me and blah. Everyone around me is figuring out what they are doing with their futures and while I am so very, truly happy for them...I am freaking out. Why isnt God showing me where I am going to be after graduation? Why are there so many roadblocks and WHY do I have to share in everyone elses happiness when I feel like I have worked just as hard and WHY do I not have anything to show for it? This all makes me feel very selfish and spoiled. There are so many things in my life right now that I need to be thankful for...and I am...so why do I always just want more? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I get wrapped up in the lives of everyone else and when mine doesnt measure up, it makes me so sad and so scared and so frustrated. I just feel like I have no guidance. I feel like I have worked so hard and I feel like I have prayed and listen to God and all I have to show for it is an interview date that falls during my spring break.
I guess I have a lot to be praying about...mainly that God will help me to find time to spend with Him...time to read my Bible and time to pray for His will in my life. That is probably just the first of many steps of faith I will need to be taking this semester.
Less Is More
6 years ago
1 comment:
What an awesome entry. Seriously. I heart you so, so much, and we can talk about God whenever you want, okay? Because we both know we have been through some rollercoasters of faith this year haha... I'm so glad to have you here to talk with about these things. And you DO have so much to show for your hard work, although I know it's not necessarily in the terms you want of knowing what you are doing next year. I think about how awesome you are a lot and how you are going to do some great things with your life. And sometimes I'm a bit jealous. Which is silly, I feel, because God made me who I am for a reason, ya know? Anyway... hopefully everything will work out on the spring break/interview front, and maybe this time of frustration IS God already breaking you. I love you!
Kiley
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