Rejection.

Ohio State and I are FIGHTING. I found out yesterday that they rejected me yet again. Sigh.

I really thought that I wasnt going to care that much and that I just wanted an answer one way or another, but I was really disappointed and sad. I think there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. No one likes to be rejected.
2. I really, really thought I would get in. I got into Indiana and their program is definitely better than OSUs.
3. I'm homesick and really just want to go home. I don't have any trips home planned and I dont know when I will see my family next and I hate that.
4. I just really want to be a true Buckeye. gah.
5. Going to OSU was the only way for me to not have to move somewhere alone again. I was hoping to avoid the exhaustion of moving and finding a church and finding new friends and still being hours away from home.

These feelings concern me because:

When I read the letter, I had this wave of "ugh...i dont want to go to school anymore." I've never thought that I would only go if I got into OSU, but that thought crossed through my mind yesterday. I need to really process through my motives.

I'm visiting Indiana in a few weeks (flight is booked!) and I am going to give myself that weekend to just...process. It will be very telling and will hopefully either 1. make me feel completely at home and like it is meant to be or 2. make me terribly suffocated making it clear that I am not meant to go back to school right now.

I really feel like God is just...leaving this decision wide open for me. Although its great to have a little bit of that control, its scary. I don't feel terribly led one way or the other (although the grad school path seems to have been laid out for me...) so maybe I cant mess it up.

Hopefully?