Trials

I have this app on my phone called "The Daily Bible." Every morning when I wake up, it has a verse ready for me to begin my day with. Some days, I feel like it was chosen just for me.

Yesterday, the verse was James 1:12.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

I feel like this spoke to 3 specific areas of my current life:

Trial #1 - Singleness: My struggle with this comes in waves, but when it comes, it COMES. Honestly, I'm tired of being single. Its so tiring because it forces me (or I let this happen, I guess) to wonder. WHY?! I have finally gotten to the point where I really feel like nothing is wrong with me. I spent many years wondering that - what is wrong with me? There must be something because clearly no one wants to be with me. But, you know what? I just don't think there's anything wrong. Believe me, I've soul-searched and compared everything from my body to my outlook on life to those of my friends who are constantly in relationships and there isn't anything that I've found that would make me undesirable. Sometimes, I wish there was. At least I would not be confused and I would just be able to say "well, im really rude" or whatever it might be. Instead, I just have to wonder and make lies up in my head to explain away my perpetual singleness. I am social, I put myself out there, I love meeting new people, and I feel like, for the time being, my life is not a mess and out of control - sounds like pretty good grounds for a stable relationship to me. Frustrating.

On the flip side of that, I KNOW that God has a plan for me and I pray daily that that plan includes marriage. I know that, in His timing, I will be chosen for the perfect man and that situation will be better than any I could dream. I honestly feel that singleness provides me a "time of trial." That sounds silly and I know that it sounds petty, but singleness for a 20-something female is CONSTANTLY a trial. Society throws love in our faces and I am at the age where most of my friends are not single, in fact, many of them are getting married and having kids. I think its probably normal for me to worry a little bit about my own situation, which seems lacking. I firmly believe that the Lord will provide me with all the desires of my heart, because He promises that. I know that if I persevere through this (when I feel like just being mad at God and giving up on love forever- dramatic) that He will provide. I've decided that there is no "formula." So many people have said "well, when you move to Atlanta" or "well...you need to start going here...or there" or "you need to try to be this way...or that way" or "its always when you're not looking!" and you know what, none of it works. That shows me that I am NOT in control...and thank the Lord, because if I were, I would be very unhappy today.

Trial #2 - Work: Work has been tough lately. Really tough. I've been given a LOT of responsibility and, although I am very thankful to have it, it is incredibly stressful. I'm tired, overwhelmed, and TIRED. I love my job...I really do, but its starting to infringe on my life outside of work and I really don't like that. I like them to be separate and I like to not have to deal with work at home. I have been given a lot of really big projects to work on (and again - so thankful - love them!) but they all overlap and require 100% of my attention and this is obviously not possible. I do NOT like that something that I need to do suffers EVERY day. I cannot do it all. I should probably tell someone that I'm overwhelmed and slacking on something every day, but that feels like admitting to failure to me or something. I want to be able to juggle it and I know that when I come out on the other side, I'll get it all done and will be proud of the work I accomplished. Until then though, I need to pray for perseverance and tons of strength to get me through to the end (whenever that might be). I think that this might be a time of "figuring it out." Its possible to do it all and I will get it done. I just have to figure out how to balance it all. I leave the office every day absolutely exhausted. I live for Saturdays. Maybe that is normal. Maybe this is how it will be the rest of my life. But PROBABLY I will be getting compensated much more fairly in the future. :)

Trial #3 - August: Where will I be? I am getting tired of that question. Although it is a little bit exciting, I want to be able to start planning. I still am not 100% ready to go back to school and I'm also not 100% sure its what I want to do. GAH. I am the most indecisive person in the world. Still no word from OSU or BG. I am visiting IU February 17-19th and I think that will be VERY telling. I will either fall in love with it or I will be suffocated by the idea of going back to school. At least then I will know. Here's to persevering through February :)

Clearly this was a "let me complain" post. Mostly, life is fantastic and overall, I'm enjoying it very much! That's good news, yeah?